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“FAT NIGGER!” … that’s what I was called today.

29 Oct

By whom? I don’t know.

It was random.

It came from a stranger.

And I’m yet to decide how I truly feel about it.

Initially, I had no reaction. I was walking around during my lunch break and as I was waiting on the sidewalk for my turn to cross the street, a passerby yelled it from a car.

I didn’t look up. I didn’t even flinch. A part of it was because it took a minute to register what they said. The other was because I’ve learned—or I’m trying to learn, I should say—to school my initial reactions to people. I’m the one who talks back. The person who’s quick to roll their eyes at a comment without realizing it, or have a sarcastic reply.

Yet, in this situation, I felt nothing. No desire to retort. I was completely numb. 

For about five minutes.

When I walked back into work, my hand was shaking slightly as it all settled in. And when I told everyone what just happened, in the midst of their anger, the first thing I said was, “I’m not even that fat!”

I don’t know where that came from, but it truly didn’t even come from a place of trying to be funny.

And I still can’t figure out why the fat part of the comment bothered me more.

I mean, I know I’m black. I’ve been black since the day I was born. Because of that, I know there are people who will automatically dislike me.

They will quickly judge and decide that I’m not good enough.

That I’m not educated.

Or I’m ghetto.

Is it okay? No, of course not. But it is what it is.

Every day, all around us, there are reminders of how long we’ve come as a society coupled with instances of how much longer we have to go.

I’m not blind to the ignorance of the world.

I haven’t been since the second grade when a kid called me a ‘Negro’ but didn’t get in trouble no matter how much he hurt my feelings.

I haven’t been blind to it since earlier years when people would tell me I “sound like a white girl.” 

And I wasn’t blind to it today, when I was minding my business and had to be reminded that—by societies standards—I’m not only FAT but I’m a NIGGER.

I’m not as angry as some are or would be. In part, I’m actually kind of thankful it was said to me. I know had it been said to some others, they wouldn’t have been able to handle it. Going on with their day as if it never happened wouldn’t be an option.

It would have turned them cold, maybe even bitter.

Thankfully, that’s not going to happen here because I know I can’t change the way ignorant people think.

Today was one of the first times I’ve realized, truly, that my skin color doesn’t define me.

It’s not what they call you—it’s what you answer to.

I’ve never been slim. So yes, I might be fat.

But a nigger I am not.

I’m a strong black woman.      

And that’s okay!

Maybe one day it will be okay with everyone, too!

 NoHate

Why Are Women Sexist Toward Women?

12 Feb

Sexism is defined as “Prejudice or discrimination based on sex.” According to Merriam-Webster online dictionary. That is.

***

 

With that in mind—I have to admit that— I do have a form of sexism toward women. I say a form because, in my eyes, everything exists on different levels.

My fault is: I hold women to too high of standards when it comes to certain professions.

It’s true.

When I see a woman “breaking the mold” so to speak, making it in a field mostly dominated by men—my need to be able to shout “YOU GO GIRL!” at the top of my lungs, comes with unrealistic expectations, and I can admit that.

For example, when I see women succeed, I cheer! Hard! I dance, and applaud and smile, and say she got one for the team! My support is unwavering and when they fail, it hurts me deeply for them.

Now, the downfall of this is where my ‘sexism’ comes into play. Just because I support it, or you, as a woman—doesn’t mean I personally like you. And like I said, my expectations are high. Even higher than it is for men.

Does that make sense?

For example—there are certain female actresses, singers, authors, dancers, movie producers, athletes … really, you name it, that I can’t stand the sight of their faces or the mention of their names.

I’m human—don’t judge me.

In my eyes they have to come harder, come brighter, write better, and play stronger than the average person. I’m a women after all, and I expect the best from my kind.

So when women expect a chance, expect the kudos, and expect certain opportunities just because they’re a woman—it really want to smack the taste out of their mouths. Affectionately of course  😉

Because I see it’s gotten to the point where a lot of women expect things to be handed to them because they have vagina’s, NOT because they’ve worked for them.

I’m not sure where this sense of entitlement has come from.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t want them to succeed? Quite the opposite, actually, as a woman I need them to succeed.

But am I wrong for not liking them? No.

Am I wrong for not fangirling and fawning over whatever they put out? No. I don’t think so.

On the opposite side of the spectrum is it wrong if I were to say completely withdraw my support for an institution because of a specific woman—just because she’s a woman. You bet your ass it is!

See … I’m not one of the people who expect others to simply fall in line under the guise of camaraderie. (You can save your fake support for someone who has time for the fakery)… You don’t need to like me just because anatomically we’re forced to share the same public bathroom.

And I personally don’t like the idea that I have to support someone, be there for them, or even like their nonsense just because they’re a woman.

No for the women who want equality, they can stand to not be liked just like anyone else.

But for those who feel like withdrawing their support just because this person is a woman … well, I feel sorry for them.

I would really hate for the day when someone doesn’t like you, or support you just because you don’t have a dick.

Shame ain’t it?

 

Isn’t she lovely? Isn’t she wonderful ….

29 Jun

Didn’t think I meant it when I said I’d be right back, huh? Well HA! 🙂

OK!!! I would like to thank the Awesomeness that is YYChristian over at The Key’s to attraction blog for nominating me for the “One Lovely Blog” Award! I don’t think I can gush enough about his blog, But I’m gonna attempt it!!

Fella’s! PLEASE for the love of all that is good in the eyes of single women– PLEASE check out his blog! And ladies please show him some love to… He’s trying to help school the men folk, on just about everything on the do’s and don’ts of … well everything! And he does a damn good job at it. *Whispers, “He must double check with the ladies on some things ’cause he’s a little too spot on with some of the advice.”* 😉

Moving right along!

As with Every Award you know what times it is!

So here are the rules!

* Thank the person/people who nominated you and link back to them in your post.

* Share seven possibly unknown things about yourself.

* Nominate fifteen or so bloggers you admire.

* Contact the chosen bloggers to let them know and link back to them

Part 1-

7 things about Lolo (I may have already said some of these things before, but *shrugs* that must mean I really want you to know them).

1. I’m the youngest of three … (and the super annoying younger sister).

2. I’ve lived in Florida, Massachusetts, New York, and Haiti

3. I’m in my 20’s <— (That’s all you’re gonna get) lol

4. I’m afraid of the dark! (Things go bump in the night after all)

5. I hate, hate, HATE squirrels. (This I know I’ve said before, but it deserves mention twice. I just don’t understand why the little bastards exist).

6. I’ve seen more cooter than all the men I know combined! (I used to bar tend/waitress at a strip club).

7. The only sport I watch is Soccer.

Bonus: Since I jipped ya with bringing the squirrels up again

8. I played the clarinet for 4 years, but my brother made me quit when I got into high school!

Part 2-

Nominations

This might seem like a total cop-out … but in all fairness– this go round, I can’t pick! Really I follow so many blogs, and they all have so many things to offer that I won’t be able to decide. (Especially since I’ve been MIA for almost 2 weeks and a lot can change during that time you know).

Instead, I would just like to turn this back over to you guys! Thank you SO much for always providing me with laughs and smiles! From writing advice, to dating advice, to all around randomness … There really are some awesome bloggers on WordPress!!!!! Please check them out, and when you find a hidden gem of a blog that needs some recognition … pass along these awards to let them know how awesome they are and how much you appreciate them! 🙂

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

You can follow me on Twitter: @lolosofocused

Penis Envy

12 Jun

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned”

As,  I’m days late with posting,  and the theme of my life continues to be sloth… Today’s sin of the day is: Envy

To be more specific . . . I’m taking it one step further to . . .  Penis Envy

Now, I’m not talking about Freud’s disturbing theory about when a young girl starts having a sexual desire for her father, and resentment towards her mother and all that, ’cause . . .  NO! Just . . .  NO! *shudder*

What I AM talking about however, is that moment, somewhere around your mid 20’s when we woman realize,  that we do in fact,  lack a penis.  

And the privilege’s that come with it.  

I’m sure this all started way before my time, but since I wasn’t alive during the “Woman’s Lib Movement” . . . I’ll take you back to the early 2000’s. 

Before the kids these days had “Kim Kardashian” as role model, and sex tapes were a sure fire way to hit stardom.

I had Lil’ Kim, Christina Aguilera, and the likes, singing in my ear that , as women,  “It was time to make a change,  and stand our ground against double standards”  and to literally  “SHOUT OUT LOUD!!” ‘Cause ‘Can’t no body hold us down.’ Yada, Yada, Yada . . .

And you know what I did? Wait for it,  I BELIEVED THEM! 

Yes,  like many of you ladies out there,  in my early 20’s I ran around, with the belief that I to can do what the big boys did, and shouldn’t be judged for it. HAHAHAHA!!!!! *slapping my knee*  Oh my poor naive soul!!! 

Do I still believe I shouldn’t be judged for all the sloring I did when I was 20. Absolutely.  Is that how it works, however? NOPE!!! 

And deny it all you want, but we know it’s true!

Where a man can get a way with MURDER in the dating-sphere . . . We woman can’t!

It sucks, but it is what it is!

I CRINGE at some of the people I’ve let (for lack of a better word) enter my sacred temple in the past, people that I wouldn’t so much as chance a second glance at, now that I got my “I am woman hear my roar” head, out of my ass . . .

So, yeah. . . even though I’ve gotten lucky, and to my knowledge,   DON’T get judged for certain things from my past, I still have to live with it! Whereas (in my opinion) I really don’t think guys have that same issue as often! Hence the penis Envy!

Thanks for reading and sorry so short! I plan to elaborate on this in the future! But I wanted to write something really quickly and dedicate it to one of my best’s Meli!!! 

Sticks and Stones can break my Bones…

14 Apr

“Sticks and stones can break my Bones… But words can never hurt me!” Remember that saying when were kids??? I think we ALL know it’s crap!

This is my response to ‘Findingravity’s Anti-Bullying Link up’ Campaign- Click on the link to find out more…

In her post she asked bloggers to share their stories about bullying and this is mine… From BOTH sides of the bullying spectrum- Because sometimes in the spirit of  ‘teasing’ and ‘kids will be kids’ we say and do things that are harmful and hurtful without realizing it… until someone brings it to our attention.

How I was bullied-

In this day and age people seem to think that bullying only extends to the extreme. Like unless someone is being harassed via social media, being made to cry or in worse case scenarios willing to take their own life just to escape it- that it’s not that serious! Well let me tell you IT IS! It all starts somewhere and if we don’t nip that shit in the butt from jump- getting harassed IS the next step. By then it’s almost too late. The Bullies have already gotten use their facade of superiority and the bullied already feel helpless.

I had curves before curves were in style. Before we had people (celebrities, models etc.) telling us it was “OK” {Don’t even get me started on that} to have an ass and breast and whatever. Where I was always one of the tallest, and one of the curviest in my class growing up.

When I would go to the mall and not be able to find shit to wear because all we had where stores like 5.7.9; The limited; and Express (and the likes) and my small waist and big hips couldn’t find jeans to wear. (Hip huggers and low-rise jeans and leggings hadn’t made their way to us yet.) So to actually have clothes I would have to stuff myself into something that may have been too small or wayyyy too big (like mens clothes) that would fall off my waist. I was too thick for average sizes but too thin for plus size… it was a nightmare.

THEN- I would have to go to school and people, including my “‘friends'” would call me “Thunder thighs” or flip my name around because my last name actually DID rhyme with derriere (of all the luck) or, and my favorite was when my “friend” asked me :

What does it feel like to be so bad bodied and un-proportionate?”

I would laugh it off and my mom would say things like they are just jealous cause they wish they had your shape but whatever… I didn’t want to hear it! I wanted to be stick thin and wear the short shorts (without a belt) just like everyone else. But because I had “friends” and a social life and was still invited out and to parties etc. I always thought “It’s not that serious… They’re just being funny!” I was full of shit and I knew it! It hurt BAD and I developed all kinds of complexes and insecurities about myself.

To this day I still have a shopping complex!

How I bullied and didn’t stop bullying

Here’s how I feel about NOT standing up to it… YOU ARE JUST AS BAD! and I’m ashamed to admit that I WAS just as bad. I wasn’t a bully (that I know of) but I was a bitch! Period! There’s no way around it.

I didn’t go around teasing, taunting and finding ways to make people’s lives miserable but if my “Friends” were doing it… There were plenty of times I  laughed at something they said or just sat by and did nothing. I convinced myself that as long as I wasn’t the one saying or doing these things then I wasn’t guilty! again- I was full of shit and I knew it…  Deep down the truth was as long as they weren’t talking about me and my “derriere” I was happy.

It didn’t take until later on (towards the end of high school) when I would stand up and be like you know what guys just leave him/her alone… and by then most of the damage was already done.

It’s sad really- disgusting even-if you think about it!

A few years later I ran into a girl that I used to go to school with and “second-hand bullied”. I was happy to see her and she told me all about the great things she was doing. We exchanged numbers and I was happy to actually befriend her again as I thought she was one of the nicest girls we went to school with.

A few days later when we linked up over the phone she got quiet. When I asked her what was wrong… She asked me “Why was I so mean to her in school but I’m so nice to her now?” I was shocked! Me? I remember saying something like I was NEVER mean to you ever, yes my friend was but there wasn’t anything I could do about that you know  and then she said something I will never forget.

“It didn’t hurt me as bad what she said… she was a bully and everyone knew it… it hurt more when you would sit idly by and do nothing when I KNOW you had it in you to stop her.”

It tore at my heart and though we kept in contact… I couldn’t even look at her- and honestly didn’t think I deserved her friendship.

 She was right… I was just as bad if not worse!

Stand up for what you believe is right! If you’re too scared to stand up for yourself go to someone who can and WILL do something about it. If they won’t listen to you beat the door down ’til they do. Think about what you might be doing for someone else.

And If someone come’s to you… Please PLEASE don’t dismiss them. Don’t tell them “Just ignore it and it will go away!” It’s not a right of passage to get bullied. Yes kids can be cruel but isn’t it time to STOP making excuses for them? Teach them that words can and DO hurt?

Stick and stones DO break bones, but scars and bruises heal. Words stick with you forever and can do permanent damage!

Please think about that and ALL aspects of bullying.

I’ve told you my stories… and I hope at least ONE person learns from it. So now share your’s and spread the word of ANTI-BULLYING!

“Happy Hunger Games… My Ass” I cried like a Baby

3 Apr

        

So I caved and watched The Hunger Games (HG) last night. I say caved because I tend to fall into the category of those people who, when a film adaptation of a novel comes out, feels that I have to read the story first so that I understand any and everything going on AND can annoyingly explain it to the person sitting next to me. (99% of the time it’s My Sister).

However, the previews and hype surrounding the movie drew me in and let me tell you- I stand by my original rule and am going back to reading the stories beforehand.

{Before you read on let me explain that I have no intention of comparing The Hunger Games and Twilight. Ever. For starters. 1.) I don’t consider myself a movie critic in any way and really just wanted to share what I thought of this film and 2.) Let this serve as a reminder that I haven’t read any of the books so it wouldn’t be fair because I am an embarrassingly avid Twilight fan. (see: Have the books, have the movies and even reads AND writes Twilight FanFiction)}

Moving on.

First let me say that, to me, the movie as a movie itself was beyond amazing.

The cinematography and special effects had me at the edge of my seat and several times I leaned over (to my sister) and would whisper “Wow” or “That was crazy” when something interesting happened.

I also think that actress Jennifer Lawrence, who portrays the heroine of the novel/film Katniss Everdeen, has talent that cannot be doubted or badly reviewed, as well as the many other actors in the cast. Job well done!

Unfortunately, having not read the book, there were times that I felt the movie lagged, some things that seemed minor, but I know better, were left unexplained (the symbolism of the mockingjay pin, Katniss and Rue’s 4 note melody, and the three finger salute to name a few) and events that occurred that I was left totally unprepared for. – Like when Rue, the young girl tribute from District 11, was slaughtered in cold bold. Even knowing it was inevitable I still cried and shouted at the screen how I felt. I think my exact words were “THIS IS BULL SH*T”.

In case you don’t know the premise of the story- Basically because of one Districts (or countries) failed attempt to rebel against the corrupt Capitol (government), every other district (There are 12 left in total) must now offer up two children (one male and one female) yearly as tribute to battle to the death- DEATH ie: they savagely bludgeon each other- on live television where the world watches. Children killing. Each other. 24 kids. Only one survives. Kids. Killing each other. For sport. While adults watch and sometimes actually sabotage the game.

Maybe I’m just too naïve and sensitive for angst but I really hated the idea, concept and portrayal of people offering up children as sacrifice. Since this is basically the entire premise of the novel/ film I guess sadly I must report that I am not a fan and probably won’t be rushing out to by the trilogy of books anytime soon.

Kids’ killing each other, regardless of the reason and symbolism is just something I can’t get with. Ever.

But like I said the movie in itself separately from what it represented (to me) was probably the best movie I’ve seen so far this year. Just watch at your own risk.

“Happy Hunger Games!”

Also I would  like to just give a big F-You to those people who actually had the gall to tweet hateful comments that Rue was depicted as a young black girl (the way she was actually described in the books from what I understand).

be PROUD don’t be IGNORANT

18 Mar

  I want to bring something to light that has been grating on my nerves for as long as I can remember. The, in my mind, UNECCESARY stigma associated with interracial dating.

Recently, I read on www.Bossip.com that rapper ICE-T (if you don’t know him Google him) who happens to married to a white woman, actress and model Coco, was quoted discussing that the reason Black Men marry and date outside their race more often then Black Woman (whether or not that’s true I don’t know) is because men more often appreciate the beauty of a woman despite their race, whereas black woman are the picky ones and are so dead set on ONLY dating black men that, THAT’s the reason their dating supply is so low. That’s not the direct quote but you get the idea.

For starters let’s me get this out of the way. I want to point out that yes I’m a strong black woman but I’m a strong WOMAN first and the ignorance of some comments from readers that followed the article partially shocked and partially disgusted me.

Taking race out of the equation, I don’t think people realize just how much they are degrading and disrespecting ALL races and cultures as well as both genders when they feel the need to point out and make someone feel bad about something as trivial as the tone of someone’s skin color. I mean yes, everyone and I do mean EVERYONE is entitled to their own beliefs but before you start spouting off that opinion to others make sure you aren’t contradicting yourself.

The same people (mostly ‘my people’) who are preaching, advocating and praying for equality are more often then not some of the first to cry blasphemy when a “brotha” or whatever chooses to be with someone of a different race.

Really? So basically that means you want equality but only when that applies to you right? Equality in the boardroom but not in the bedroom? (as a reader pointed out).

You don’t want to be looked at as less then but when someone of another race or culture see’s the beauty in us or more importantly see’s past it, all the sudden they’re selling out? Do you see how that doesn’t make sense? Why not take it a step further and say “not only do I not want you to date outside of your race I also don’t want you to be friends with someone outside of it either”.

To me that’s just another form of segregation. Don’t think so? Read the definition according to the Encarta Dictionary and tell me what the difference is. (Segregation : the practice of keeping ethnic, racial, religious, or gender groups separate.) Doesn’t sound so different now does it?

Everyone has their preferences I get and respect that. So my point is NOT  to make other’s feel bad if they are NOT attracted to another race. It is what it is!

But if YOU want to stick to your own race and culture that’s YOUR prerogative and good for YOU!If you want to be proud, as you should be, then by all means say it loud and be proud.

Just know there’s sometimes a thin line between  pride and self-righteousness as well as ignorance and racism because that’s EXACTLY how you’re being and what you’re promoting when you judge people who fall in love with a person’s heart or their smile rather then the level of melatonin in their skin.

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